December 15, 2006-Speech Phobia
Sometimes when I know I'm going to need to speak, my throat locks up and nothing
comes out. That's the only way I know how to describe it.
This morning I went to get coffee and a bagel at a drive-through. As I was
driving up to the line my stomach began to feel tense and sour. Soon the feeling
spread up through my body into my throat. My throat locked up and I could not
swallow. Unable to move my throat, I felt that no sound would come out.
Finally it was time to order and the sound came out. My voice worked and I
ordered. At this moment of release I had a full-on anxiety attack. I had pains
in my stomach and chest and a strange feeling overcame my body and brain. This
is what always happens whenever I have anything resembling a social interaction.
First there is an incredible build-up with the anxious stomach. Then I start
thinking what I am going t say to make sure it comes out right. My chest
tightens. Then whenever I meet and conquer the source of my anxiety I have an
attack that lasts several minutes or hours. An hour later I still have this
feeling in my stomach and body. My heart is racing.
Now imagine this happening every time you have to say anything. When you go to
the store, buy food, go to the post office or bank, see someone you know, get an
oil change, get a hair cut, call your cable company, etc. Imagine going to a
school where you have to give lengthy oral reports, have small study groups,
etc. Imagine having a job... Actually imagine even trying to have a job
interview for any job, the crappiest job in the world that pays nothing, and not
being able to speak. Maybe you somehow get through the interview after
apologizing for your shaking and trembling. Maybe they get past that. You go
home and shake for 2 hours straight. Every day for the rest of your life if you
ever leave your house you will have to deal with shaking, a racing heart, chest
pains, upset stomach, and a sore throat.
Because that's how I feel every single day of my life. When I face the fear I
feel like I am having a series of mini-heart attacks. When it's over I usually
feel good mentally. I feel good I got through it. How pathetic is that? It is an
accomplishment if I successfully order a bagel. I feel better mentally but my
body doesn't match. My body rejects the feeling.
My social phobia fixes:
Try to remember to breathe, lol. That's about the only thing I can do.
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